


Modern Love

by Diego_Brando_DLC



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol, Cigarettes, M/M, Unrequited KohaHime
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:02:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25534786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diego_Brando_DLC/pseuds/Diego_Brando_DLC
Summary: RinHime fic set after the events of Night Club. While left alone at a café, Rinne suddenly asks HiMERU if he's ever been in love, and then... (HiMERU POV)
Relationships: Amagi Rinne/HiMERU
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28





	1. At Café "Cinnamon"

**Author's Note:**

> Making my own RinHime food, don't mind me. All of HiMERU's characterization is based on my own headcanons and whatever information we have on him. This includes the headcanon that HiMERU is actually over the age of 20 and hiding his real age. Unrequited Kohaku->HiMERU in later chapters. The title has little relation to the fic, it's just the David Bowie song I've been listening to while writing this.

It was an unseasonably warm September day, and as usual, Crazy:B had too much free time. At this point, being out of a job was such a regular thing for us that no one had the heart to complain about it anymore, and even without Amagi’s incessant messages, we’d regularly meet up at one of the cafés Shiina works at. His shift had ended half an hour ago and he’d left with Oukawa to procure some sweets, yet to return. Unwilling to force myself to make small-talk, I was intently focusing my vision on my phone screen, pretending to be reading something tremendously riveting. Amagi, who had his legs up on the table across from me, was visibly bored out of his mind.  
_Good_ , I thought. _If I keep it up for another ten, fifteen minutes, he’ll get sick of this and go off to gamble the day away._  
Alas, Amagi suddenly raised his voice.   
“What’s the damn hold-up…?” he groaned.   
A stupid question. Anyone who ever attempted to go out with Shiina to get _anything_ done must have made the experience that it inevitably turns into a fool’s errand, and Amagi was surely no exception to this. Shiina — whether due to his questionable physical condition or complete lack of self control, perhaps even a mix of both — was the type to go wandering off without a word at the mere whiff of anything tasty in the vicinity. Right now, I figured that Oukawa probably had his hands full wrestling him away from the storefronts. Amagi was as aware of this as I was, so I determined there wasn’t any need to give him an answer or look up from my phone.  
“Oi, Merumeru~...” Amagi began again.  
“— What.”  
He fell quiet.   
_What’s the point of addressing me, with that irritating nickname no less, if you have nothing to say?_ I didn’t say this aloud. Amagi was the type to keep talking without being given any incentive to do so, after all. His tone was still as casual as always when he opened his mouth again.  
“...Ya ever been in love?”  
I closed my eyes for a moment. It seemed as though Amagi was dead set on making this afternoon more tedious than it needed to be. Still not looking up from my phone, I gave an evasive answer.  
“— HiMERU only loves his fans”.   
This prompted Amagi to bust into his usual, insufferable laughter. “Gyahaha! ‘S what I thought you’d say, Merumeru~.”  
_Then don’t ask!_ I wanted to retort.  
“— You know as well as HiMERU does that having personal relationships is not desirable for idols.”  
Amagi clicked his tongue at this, ready to formulate some drawn-out comeback, but in that moment the door the café opened with a jingle, and Shiina and Oukawa’s voices filled the otherwise quiet room. They were involved in a heated, if somewhat one-sided, debate on the etiquette of running errands with a unit member.  
“No, as I keep tellin’ ya—”, Oukawa said with strained patience in his voice, when his eyes fell on us. This diverted his attention long enough for Shiina to slip by him and start spreading out the confections they’d bought in an almost professional manner. Amagi made room for the food by reluctantly taking his feet off the table.  
“The air’s mighty heavy in here, you two. Ya had a another fight or somethin’?” Oukawa asked, sounding genuinely concerned, as he put his own plastic bags down on the chair next to mine. I tapped the power button on my phone and put it on the table face-down, as is my habit, and flashed Oukawa a rehearsed smile before opening my mouth to assuage him, but Amagi beat me to the punch.   
“Not at all! We always get along great, don’t we, Merumeru?”  
I was somewhat surprised at this, having expected Amagi to bring up his girl talk in front of the others as well, but his tone expressed an unwillingness to discuss this matter with them. Quickly putting two and two together, my smile became more genuine. _Seems like he doesn’t want Shiina to find out about his feelings for him, huh? How unlike Amagi to be shy._  
“— No comment. Did you two get everything you wanted?” I skillfully changed the topic to the array of sweets that had been set up on the table. Shiina put down dishes and cutlery before each of us before sitting down next to Amagi and rapidly helping himself to a slice of just about everything.  
“Yup! I even got the seasonal item ya asked for, HiMERU-han!” Oukawa said this with unconcealed pride in his voice.   
I liked this honest part of him, and the part of him that understood that whatever went on between Amagi and me moments ago was not up for discussion at the time. Prompted by this, Shiina readily started explaining the differences between the various confections we were eating. The rest of the afternoon played out like countless ones before it, and we parted ways as the sun went down. 

On my way to the hospital I thought back to what Amagi had said earlier.   
Anyone who asks if you’ve ever been in love doubtlessly just wants to talk about the romantic feelings they themselves harbour for someone else. I’d always half-mindedly assumed their relationship was already at a level that most people would consider “dating”, so it caught me off guard to find that Amagi held some worries about it in his heart.   
Maybe he was struggling to bridge the gap between the two of them? Heaven knows Shiina is a dense guy, so it’s likely that Amagi’s usual flirting strategies bounce right off him. Even so, I never considered Amagi the type to want to consult others about his troubles, but it makes sense that he’d come to me instead of the inexperienced Oukawa for it.   
That said, there wasn’t much advice I could have given him on the matter. Aside from being somewhat unaccustomed to relationships myself, my only experiences with these sorts of feelings didn’t exactly end well. I’d have been reluctant to bring any of my true feelings into the discussion, and would have outright cautioned him against even considering anything that could lead to a scandal at this point in time. I can only conjecture that Shiina shares his feelings to some extent, though, seeing as he lets Amagi live with him rent-free. But there’s no point in telling Amagi that, because he would either deny it, or worse, believe it. I can’t come up with a hypothetical outcome to a physical relationship between the two of them that wouldn’t spell complete disaster for Crazy:B, so any progress on their intimacy should be impeded at all cost.  
I stopped in my tracks. _Doesn’t that just sound like I want to sabotage them?_ I shook my head imperceptibly and kept walking. _This is what’s for the best for them as idols, and for us as a unit._ Telling myself that as if I’m trying to convince myself of a lie, I entered the brightly lit hospital lobby and, without speaking to the lady at the info counter who always offers me a sympathetic smile I’d prefer not to see, I headed to HiMERU’s room.


	2. 2AM

A few days later, I was walking back to the dorm from my usual hospital visit when my eyes fell upon a truly unfortunate sight. My path took me through Time Street, the nightlife district near ES, where we had recently participated in a live at a nightclub. And it was in front of this very nightclub where Amagi was squatting at 2am, with a cigarette in his mouth. I scowled. As I walked closer, he raised his head and met my gaze.  
“Oh, if it ain’t Merumeru~. Whatcha doin’ in a place like this? I told ya this ain’t no place for children, didn’t I, ah?” he said while clumsily putting the cigarette out on the ground next to him.   
“— HiMERU doesn’t want to hear this from a man who is willing to ruin his reputation, looks and voice with unsightly habits like smoking.”   
“Yeah, yeah. Thought I’d already made my point that it’s my right to indulge in whatever vices suit me, though.”   
“And HiMERU made his point that there are things an idol should and shouldn’t do. Being seen crouching on the ground like a bug is among the latter.”   
“‘S fine, I’m jus’ restin’ my wings from all the buzzin’ around I’ve been doin’...” Amagi sounded tired. I sighed.   
“— Amagi. Get up.”   
He seemed to consider my outstretched hand for a moment before taking it and letting me help him to his feet. He was somewhat unsteady and as he stumbled towards me, I smelled the stench of booze on him. _It never ends with this guy, huh?_ _  
_ Thinking it pointless to scold him about this, I let go of his hand as soon as he’d steadied himself. He reached into his pocket and produced a somewhat beat-up looking pack of cigarettes.   
“No point in hidin’ it now, right?” he chuckled and lit himself another one. I’m not fond of the smell of tobacco, so I instinctively took a step aside as he blew a cloud of smoke in my direction. He muttered an apology.   
“— Did something happen?” To me, Amagi seemed kind of sullen tonight.   
“Mmh? Not really, jus’... There were some real pushy customers…”   
I raised an eyebrow. So he was treated to alcohol by customers he couldn’t say no to, and then collapsed outside the bar as soon as his shift ended, huh. The other members of Crazy:B didn’t frequent that place since our live there, but Amagi still helped out the manager every once in a while.   
“— We should get you some water.” I looked around. Down the street was a bench next to a streetlight, and a vending machine selling various soft drinks. It’ll have to do. I started walking towards it, but Amagi grasped my arm.   
“Help a guy out, will ya?” He pleaded in a sarcastic tone. Almost feeling bad for him, I put my arm around his shoulder and led him to the bench, where I firmly planted him on the wooden seat. I bought a bottle of water for Amagi and a soft drink for myself, and handed him the cold drink.   
“Merumeru’s treat~? Yah-hoo~” he joked weakly. After struggling with the plastic cap for a moment, he took a big gulp of the water and then squeezed a splash of it on his face for good measure.   
“— How unsightly.” I watched him wipe the water and sweat off his face with his shirt, exposing his stomach to the cold night air, and averted my eyes before his gaze met mine.  
He grinned at this, but thought better than to make a dirty joke at my expense. _If he doesn’t even have the energy to say “Like whatcha see?”, he must really be in a bad mood,_ I realized. I remembered the conversation he tried to initiate a few days ago, and wondered if something had happened between him and Shiina since then. Maybe he got rejected?   
As if he was reading my mind, Amagi spoke up. “Hey… About the other day.”   
I sat down next to him and let him speak.   
“...Do ya think it’s a sin?”   
“— Was that on your mind all this time?”   
“I’m jus’ sayin’... I don’t wanna believe that it’s wrong for an idol to find love.”   
He seemed to be looking for the right words, so I didn’t interrupt him.   
“Y’know how I’m picky about my fans, yeah? They’re not the type to see idols as holy beings, or like… immaculate virgins. I don’t think they’d judge me if word got out that the great Rinne Amagi had found himself a lover.”   
I briefly considered my options. While I didn’t fundamentally disagree with what he was saying, I felt it unwise to encourage him to take actions that our agency would find reprehensible.   
“— HiMERU thinks-”   
He interrupted me. “I’m not askin’ what HiMERU thinks, I’m askin’ what _you_ think _._ ”   
Amagi’s voice sounded angry, like someone who had finally gotten sick of something he’d been silently tolerating for a long time.   
“It’s not a sin, but it’s also not something to be encouraged.” I elegantly sidestepped the issue of whether or not this represented my real thoughts, which only pissed him off more.   
“Well it’s gotta be one or the other, right?” he said impatiently.   
“..........”   
I took a sip of my beverage to buy myself some more time. I’d known that Amagi would bring this issue up again sooner or later, but I wasn’t fully prepared to answer him at this time. On top of that, he seemed to be the type whose fuse gets shorter under the influence of alcohol. Finally, I resolved to speak from my heart.   
“I think you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it. Is the happiness of you and your… _lover,_ ” I quoted him awkwardly, “worth risking the unhappiness of your devoted fans, and the possibility of negative consequences for your unit members and the agency?”  
He flinged his cigarette, which had burned all the way to the filter, into the nearby trashcan and leaned back.  
Staring into the night sky, he lowered his voice.   
“Hard to see the stars here. In the city, I mean.”   
I glanced at the sky, which was pitch black due to the light pollution. He continued.   
“Back home, I’d always use the stars to find my way home. But now that I can’t see ‘em, I’m kinda lost…”   
Realizing himself that he was sounding pathetic, he scratched his head and got back on topic.   
“I don’t think anyone’s got the right to stand in the way of someone else’s happiness.”   
His voice sounded stronger now. Maybe the fresh air was starting to help him sober up a little.   
“If some fan decides that my happiness is their misfortune, that’s their problem. If they really loved me, they’d be happy for me.” He stated this in a matter-of-fact way, but backtracked.   
“I mean, _if_ . If I got myself a lover.”   
Unwilling to put up with this depressing atmosphere any longer, I threw him a bone.   
“— Like that would be a problem for the great Rinne Amagi.”   
The man in question threw his head back and let out a laugh that ended up sounding a little forced.   
“Maybe the problem ain’t me, but the potential loverboy himself.” He said this while shooting me a glance. _No need to confess your feelings for Shiina to me, it’s not like you two keep it a secret,_ I thought.   
“Well, some people are incredibly dull-witted… But in your case, the fact that you flirt with everyone you meet might be at fault. How is anyone supposed to tell when you’re serious?”   
Surprisingly, Amagi frowned at this.   
“I wouldn’t tease the person I’m serious about… Or at least, I’m tryin’ not to.”   
Countless memories flashed in my mind, of times when he teased and flirted with Shiina absolutely shamelessly in front of Crazy:B or even fans. _What a crock of shit,_ I thought.   
“— What a crock of shit.” I said out loud.   
Amagi broke into laughter again, more genuine this time. He leaned forward and fixed his gaze on me.   
“Nah dude, I’m serious.” he said.   
_This man must be completely socially inept._ His bright blue eyes were staring holes into me, but I refused to be the first to look away.   
“— Well, call it what you will. But I think that if you want him to take you seriously, you’ll have to let go of that whole facade you’re so carefully nursing.”   
“Hmh?” He mumbled this as he put another cigarette to his lips and flicked his lighter a few times.   
“Shiina, I mean.”   
He froze. His lips parted, almost enough for the cig to fall out. Guess he thought he was being slick about his crush. I almost wanted to tease him about it. Flicking the lighter again, he finally lit his cigarette, took a drag and composed himself.   
“Aaah, I get it now. I totally get it.” he sighed.   
I didn’t, but I wasn’t about to tell him that.   
He stood up and walked a few steps, steadier on his feet than he was before. He seemed lost in thought for a second, staring at nothing in particular. Then he suddenly turned around and walked towards me. He leaned down to me, grasping the bench behind me with his left hand to lean onto. I could feel the warmth of his arm next to mine. The expression on his face was unreadable, but I didn’t flinch when he leaned so close to me that I could almost feel his breath on me. _If he gets any closer than this I could always kick his legs out from under him,_ I figured.   
“I get it now.” he repeated himself.   
“— Get what?” I asked while inclining my head slightly.   
“You’re an idiot, Merumeru.” he said, and as I opened my mouth to retort, he quickly put his right hand on my face to shut me up.   
I’m used to him being touchy-feely with others, but he should know better than to put his hand on me. Annoyed, I pulled away from him, when I noticed that he’d stuffed his lit cigarette between my lips. I’d accidentally inhaled a breath of the smoke and had to cough. A thin blue line of fume was rising from where the cig had fallen to the ground between my feet. Amagi had let go of the bench and was walking away without another word. A bitter taste filled my mouth, so I took a sip of my drink. I had no intention of going after him. As I got up, I noticed his half-empty bottle of water where he’d sat. I threw it into the nearby trashcan and left in the opposite direction.


	3. At the dormitory

That night, I couldn’t get to sleep. By the time I’d gotten back to the dorm, my roommates were fast asleep. Careful not to wake them, I slipped out of my clothes and under the blanket in pitch darkness. I hooked my phone up to its charging cable and closed my eyes, but after tossing and turning for a good twenty minutes, I gave it up and put on my jersey. Unsure where to go, I wandered the dormitory for a while before sitting down on a sofa with a book in hand that I’d gotten from a nearby bookshelf without even glancing at the title. I opened it and then proceeded to not even attempt to read a single word.  
The common areas of the dormitory were always brightly lit at night, to make patrols easier for the security staff. There was also no curfew, since many jobs required idols to stay out late or even travel outside the region. I liked to relax in these areas at night. There was something extraordinary about being in a place that’s usually filled with people and voices when they’re deserted, and it was easier to breathe here than in my room, where I always had to keep up the HiMERU persona around my roommates. Some other night owls showed up every once in a while, but unless you were well-acquainted, there was a quiet mutual understanding not to bother one another.   
“Oh? HiMERU-han, yer up?”   
Oukawa was one of these night owls. I closed the book I’d not been reading and turned to him with a gentle expression on my face.   
“— Good evening, Oukawa. It’s quite late.”   
His hair was disheveled and he was wearing the same jersey as me — Crazy:B’s practice uniform. With his right hand he was rubbing his eye like a child, in his left hand he held his phone.   
“Yeah… I woke up and couldn’t get back t’sleep, so I figured I’d kill some time in a place where I wouldn’t bother the roomies. Sorry, did I interrupt yer readin’?” The way he tilted his head with an apologetic look in his eyes was charming.   
“— Not at all. HiMERU was simply killing time as well.”   
Oukawa saw down next to me on the sofa and crossed his legs on the cushions. He faced me.   
“Ya look tired, HiMERU-han.”   
Coming from anyone other than Oukawa, this statement would have been completely innocent. But since he was the one saying it, it actually meant something along the lines of “You’d better have a good explanation for being here”.   
“— HiMERU is the same as you, Oukawa. Just trying to induce sleepiness through some light reading after being awoken by a slight disturbance.”   
“Guess we’re two peas in a pod then, huh?” He seemed amused by this. I enjoyed conversing with Oukawa. He was much smarter than you’d guess from his age, and there was an enchanting quality to him. Even in his dialect, his words seemed elegant and endearing. That said, he was too sharp for his own good. If I let down my guard around him, he’d touch upon matters I’d rather not have anyone concern themselves with. Every once in a while he apparently felt it necessary to prove that he knows more than he lets on, and it always sends a shiver down my spine. It’s fortunate that he doesn’t seem to have any intentions of using this knowledge against me, and seems to be largely satisfied with keeping this unspoken agreement not to overstep my boundaries in place.   
“— Indeed.” My smile didn’t betray the thoughts that ran through my mind at this time.   
“Did you have a nightmare, Oukawa?”   
“Mmh~, somethin’ of the sort.” He started twirling a loose thread that was hanging off the seam of his pant leg, fixing his gaze on it as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.   
“Can I ask ya somethin’?” He suddenly turned his eyes up at me.   
Unable to read where he was going with this, I nodded and said “Of course”.   
“T’tell the truth, somethin’s been on my mind.” _Obviously_ .   
Oukawa seemed to be gathering his courage, and finally blurted out his next sentence.   
“HiMERU-han! D’ya think that idols are allowed to… fall in love?”  
 _Kill me now._   
“— HiMERU doesn’t believe that it would be fair to the fans to give precedence to a single person.” I replied with a clearly rehearsed line that I already knew wasn’t going to satisfy Oukawa even as I heard myself saying it.   
As expected, Oukawa frowned at this, so I quickly changed course.   
“Why do you ask?”   
He pulled at the loose thread. “Oh y’know… It felt like maybe there was somethin’ goin’ on between Rinne-han and Niki-han.”   
_So?_ I wanted to ask, but bit my tongue.   
“— HiMERU doesn’t intend to meddle in their business.”   
This came out colder than I’d intended. Worst case scenario, Oukawa wasn’t just saying this as pretext and actually had feelings for one of those two. No, it would already be terrible if he just said this to cover up his crush on me. While I was certainly fond of him the way I’d be fond of a little brother, he was vastly outside my dating range. Deep down, he must be aware of the true age difference separating the two of us.   
“Guess yer right… I reckon it’s got nothin’ to do with us. Just wish they wouldn’t do somethin’ that could lead to a scandal, when we’re finally tryna get our shit together.”   
“— Indeed.”   
I realized myself that I wasn’t being a good conversational partner, but I didn’t really know what to say. It felt like I was walking on eggshells. If I carelessly let the wrong thing slip, he might pick up that something had happened between Amagi and me. This thought made my heart beat faster, and for a second I was convinced that Oukawa could hear it.   
“Guess we should let those two dig their own graves, huh.” Something in his voice sounded lonely as he spoke these words.   
“— HiMERU wouldn’t go that far. As unit members, we should watch out for each other. This includes cautioning one another before someone commits a mistake we may not rebound from. But HiMERU has it on pretty good authority that those two aren’t in a relationship of that sort.” I hoped I hadn’t said too much, but Oukawa didn’t seem all that interested.   
“Hmm? How do ya figure?”   
I couldn’t very well tell him how exactly I figured that, but dodging questions happened to be my forte.   
“— Call it a detective’s intuition.” I replied with a smile. “You said this has been on your mind… It’s heartening to know that you worry about Crazy:B.”   
“‘Course I worry! Feels like Rinne-han’s gonna go ruin it for all of us if we don’t keep an eye on that tyrant.”   
“— You may be right about that.” As much as I usually enjoy complaining about Amagi with Oukawa, tonight it felt as though this wasn’t the conversation he wanted to have with me. He fell silent. I could feel myself getting tired, so I acted like my eyes happened to fall on the clock on the wall.   
“— It’s almost 4 in the morning. We really shouldn’t stay up any longer than this. Taking care of our bodies is also part of our job as idols.”   
“Right…” Oukawa yawned as if his body just remembered that it was supposed to be tired at this time of night. We both got up, exchanged some idle pleasantries as we headed to our rooms, and parted ways. By the time I was in bed I was so tired that even all the thoughts circling in my head couldn’t keep me awake, and I drifted off to sleep without having sorted out anything.


	4. In a dream

That night I had a strange dream. I am the type to frequently experience vivid dreams in which I see myself from an outsider’s perspective. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out the meaning behind this, but I refuse to dwell on it. 

  
In my dream, I was back on Time Street with Amagi. I saw myself sitting on that same bench, my arms folded over my chest. Amagi was standing a few steps in front of me, when he turned around to face me. He wasn’t holding a cigarette this time. I couldn’t hear our conversation, but he suddenly leaned in close, the way he did earlier that night.    
_ Was that how we looked to bystanders back then? _ _   
_ __ He was holding the bench with one hand as if he was trying to trap me there.   
My own cold gaze met his, and he smiled, before leaning in and pressing a kiss to my lips. The sudden sensation made my leg twitch. I expected to see myself shove him off me, but instead, my dream self grabbed him by the collar of his black t-shirt and pulled him closer.    
Even though it was just a dream, I felt a hot flash watching this unfold. My dream self had his eyes closed and was shoving his tongue into Amagi’s mouth. He eagerly responded to this, placing his shin on the bench with his knee between my legs.  _   
_ _ Was this how I saw him? _ _   
_ __ My perspective suddenly changed, and when my dream self opened his eyes, I was seeing through them from his point of view. Amagi’s face was flushed, and he licked his lips shamelessly. His piercing gaze was fixed on mine for a second, then he leaned forward again, this time bringing his mouth close to my ear. I felt his warm breath on my skin.   
“Ain’t this what you were  _ really _ hopin’ for~?” His voice was low and teasing, but without the usual malice within.    
  
The scenery suddenly changed, which I didn’t question at the time. I was standing with my back against a brick wall. It was dark here, darker than it had been under the light of the streetlamp.  _   
_ _ This must be a side-alley off of Time Street _ , I thought.   
Amagi was holding my waist now, pulling me against him as he slightly inclined his head to kiss me again. Skipping the pleasantries, he immediately slid his tongue into my mouth. As if I had anticipated this, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders in response. Inhaling through my nose to avoid breaking the kiss, I caught his scent mixed with the familiar stench of booze. I didn’t mind it.   
As if he had been reading my mind, I felt Amagi’s mouth break into a grin against my lips. I wasn’t in the mood to hear whatever unpleasant thing he had to say about this situation, so I insistently deepened our kiss.   
_ Don’t break it, _ I thought.  _ Otherwise you’ll have to face the consequences. _ _   
_ For a while, the only noise that filled the alley was the shameless sound of our kisses. Suddenly, I heard the loud voices of drunkards nearby. Some people were walking down the street, and they were getting closer. Any second now, they would be passing by this alley. No matter how dark it was, a single glance from them would be enough to bust us. I attempted to pull away from Amagi, but he refused to budge and shoved me closer against the wall, leaning his forearm against it to hide my face. The passersby were laughing about something. I heard their steps take them past our little hiding place and fade into the distance.   
We waited a while, frozen in place. Amagi had broken our kiss and was glaring over his shoulder at the brightly lit street. My heart was beating fast, faster than before. Another moment passed, and I realized there was nothing to worry about anymore. The drunkards hadn’t noticed us, or if they did, they weren’t terribly concerned with some randy teens making out in an alleyway. I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.   
“Did that excite ya, XXXXXX?” Amagi suddenly addressed me by my real name. His smug face was still close to mine.    
_ Don’t act like you know me. _ _   
_ “— What if it did?” I didn’t know what I was saying, but I felt like he was going to toy with me if I didn’t stand my ground.    
In order to regain control over the situation, I boldly trailed my hand down his body and let it come to a stop on the front of his pants. Amagi merely grinned at this, as if he was trying to say that this is far from enough to get him to flinch. Instead, he unabashedly jerked his hip, causing his cock to rub against my palm through the fabric of his pants.   
Amagi may love to win, but I hate to lose. I quickly pressed another kiss to his lips and simultaneously slid my hand into his waistband.   
_ Was I really going to do such a shameless thing, in a place like this?  _ The thought excited me. Images flashed through my mind, images of Amagi pressing against me, using my hand to get off, images of him turning me to face the wall and pulling down my pants, images of him taking —    
  
The alarm on my phone rang. I blinked a few times, and found that I was staring at the ceiling of my dorm room. It was brightly lit, because my roommates had already opened the curtains and left for school or work. I wanted nothing more but for this moment to pass, and the usual morning amnesia to erase every trace of memory of the dream I’d just experienced, but the more I tried to forget, the more it all branded itself into my mind. Noticing that my alarm was still ringing, I felt around for my phone and shut it off. I sighed.


	5. The next day

I managed to waste the entire day until afternoon by keeping my mind busy. Reading books, keeping up with the news, taking a stroll around the neighborhood, anything to avoid thinking about something unpleasant. Finally, my legs took me to the café “Cinnamon”.   
_ Not showing up would be suspicious, _ I figured.   
Around this time of day, Shiina was still working his shift. I also recalled that Oukawa had said something about having to drop by the agency today, so he probably wouldn’t be there. In that case, chances were good that Amagi wasn’t around either. He was probably still sleeping or wasting his time in a pachinko parlor. Convincing myself of this, I opened the door to the coffee shop.   
“Welcome~!” An unfamiliar voice greeted me. It was another part-time worker I only vaguely recognized. “Oh, HiMERU-san, is it? I’ll get Niki from the break room.” Not waiting for a response, they went into the staff area. I was going to tell them they didn’t need to bother, but I’d missed my chance. I’d been too preoccupied with checking whether any other Crazy:B members were in the room, but since Shiina was in the back instead of hanging out with any of them in the café, my guess must have been spot on.

  
Shiina appeared a moment later with a sauce stain on his face, still chewing something. He was an attractive man, but this sloppy side to him ruined the aesthetics for me. He swallowed the last mouthful of his lunch and greeted me with a dazzling smile.   
“Heeey, HiMERU-kun! Did you come to play?”   
“— Not really. HiMERU just felt like having some coffee.” I attempted to keep my tone light-hearted, but Shiina would’ve been too dense to notice that something was wrong anyway.   
“Coming right up!” He got to work behind the counter.   
“— Don’t trouble yourself with that. You’re on break, aren’t you?”   
Shiina laughed. “Nahaha! Sure, but it’s my treat, so I should at least make it myself~!”   
I protested and insisted on paying, but gave it up when he kept saying “It’s fine, it’s fine!”.

  
After carrying two cups of coffee to the table I’d taken a seat at, Shiina finally also sat down across from me. He didn’t miss a beat before taking a big sip from his own cup, and exclaiming in a satisfied voice.   
“Aah~! That hits the spot! Nothing beats a hot cup of coffee after a good meal, right?”   
I responded in half-hearted agreement. Our wavelengths didn’t mesh well most of the time, but in this case his careless behaviour was almost refreshing to me.   
When Shiina was in a good mood like this he got kind of chatty, which suited me well today. I listened to him go on about what happened at work that day, laughed politely when he told a story about a silly mistake his co-worker had made, and enjoyed the coffee. For a while my mind didn’t circle back to the events of the night before, or the unnerving dream that had followed. Shiina was an easy partner for conversation, he rarely delved into unpleasant topics or expected you to accommodate his idiosyncrasies.   
This peaceful time was shortlived however, as he suddenly stopped mid-sentence while explaining a new menu item to me in vivid detail. His eyes were fixated on something behind me, and I didn’t have to turn around to know that it was someone we knew too well.

  
Amagi put an arm around my shoulder and got too close for comfort as he raised his voice.  
“What do we got here~? A date? Niki~, ya little shit, ya cheatin’ on me?”  
Shiina rolled his eyes at this and fell for Amagi’s bait.  
“As if! You’re not my husband, Rinne-kun. Also, stop yelling in other people’s workplaces, you’re causing trouble to the other guests~.”  
I was relieved at this, not because he denied a romantic relationship between the two of them, but because this remark gave Amagi reason to take his arm off me and target Shiina instead. He was behind him in the blink of an eye, attempting to get Shiina into a headlock, but his victim had seen this coming and quickly ducked away.  
“Nice try, Rinne-ku-urgh?!” Amagi’s reflexes were faster than his. He’d grabbed Shiina’s ponytail and yanked his head back.  
“Hey now, that’s not the kinda greeting I wanna hear. How about a friendly “Welcome, Rinne-kun ☆” instead, huh?”  
“Nnghh, let go of my ponytaaaiiil~,” Shiina whined while trying to get ahold of Amagi’s arm.  
“Wh- Don’t twist it don’t twist it don’t twist iiiiit!” Amagi ignored Shiina’s complaints and turned his attention to me.  
“Hey Merumeru, ya look real tired. Stayin’ up late’s no good for your skin, dontcha know?”  
If there hadn’t been a good chance of such an attack causing Shiina to become collateral damage, I would’ve splashed Amagi’s stupid face with scalding coffee right this second. Instead, I gave a calm response.  
“— Thanks for your concern, but HiMERU’s skin is fine. Will you let go of Shiina’s hair already? People are looking.”  
“Let ‘em look! Everyone, feast your eyes on Rinne Amagi, in the flesh!”  
I’d never been closer to walking out on Amagi before, but I didn’t want to leave Shiina behind in this situation, so I simply took a deep breath.  
“— Amagi.”  
Hearing the anger in my voice, he clicked his tongue at me and finally let go of his victim.  
“Geez…” Shiina fixed his hair, visibly upset. “If you’re in such a terrible mood, don’t come here...”  
Terrible mood...? Come to think of it, it did seem like he had a short fuse today, but that wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. I glanced at Amagi, who had taken a seat next to Shiina and was leaning back until his chair was balancing only on its hind legs. On closer inspection, his eyes looked a bit red, almost like he’d been — I perished the thought.  
Amagi suddenly leaned forward, and his chairlegs fell down on the floors with a thud.  
Internally preparing myself for what he was going to do next, I watched him reach across the table and grab my cup of coffee. He took a sip from it and frowned.  
“Ya really drink your coffee with this much sugar?”  
“— Don’t complain about it, it’s not for you.”  
“Rinne-kun, if you want coffee, I can get you some… It’s about time for me to go back to my shift anyway~” Shiina still seemed a little miffed about Amagi’s harassment, but he always recovered impressively fast.  
“Really? Wooo! You’re the best ☆”  
“Just so you know, I’m charging.”  
“‘S fine, you’ll only be chargin’ yourself anyway, kyaha!”  
“Wh-, did you take money out of my wallet again!?”  
I tuned out their usual banter and took my cup back from Amagi. As I brought it up to my lips while looking at my phone, I suddenly stopped. A foolish thought crossed my mind.  
 _An indirect kiss._   
Some part of myself hated that this is what came to mind. Why even worry about it at this point? It’s not like it’d be the first one. Even disregarding last night, Amagi had always been the type to just borrow other people’s water bottles without asking during practice. But somehow, it was different now. I felt like he was probably watching my every move from the corner of his eyes, so I idly tapped on my phone and then took a sip of coffee in a deliberately casual way.  
Shiina had gone to the counter, either to prepare coffee for Amagi or to do the job he actually gets paid for, or perhaps both. In that moment, I realized I was alone with Amagi. Again.


	6. Cornering

Without Shiina to act as a buffer between us, I was at Amagi’s mercy. Oukawa had sent a text on WholeHands to tell us that he wasn’t coming over today.  _ Traitor! _   
With every second that passed in silence, my heart started beating faster — to my annoyance. Finally, Amagi leaned forward and spoke in an unusually quiet voice.   
“Hey… About last night.”   
“— What about it?” I internally congratulated myself for managing to say this in an unconcerned tone.   
“I don’t think I was actin’ like myself… I don’t wanna make excuses, but maybe the booze went to my head… In any case,” He lowered his voice more. “That’s not how I wanted you to find out.”   
_ Was he really going to discuss this in a public café? I know I wasn’t. _ _   
_ “— HiMERU has no idea what you’re talking about, Amagi.”   
Playing dumb wasn’t going to work on him, but it would at least get the message across that this was neither the time nor place for this conversation. Also, it irritated me that he was suddenly acting like his actions weighed on his conscience or something.   
Amagi sighed. “You’re doin’ that “HiMERU” shit again? I thought we were past this…”   
“— If you’re asking HiMERU to forsake his persona in a public space like this for your comfort, HiMERU will have to disappoint you.”   
“We can go somewhere private.”   
_ Absolutely not. _   
“— Actually, HiMERU has somewhere to go after this.” I lied to his face and stood up.   
“Come on, don’t chicken out! Don’tcha think that’s a little unfair to me?”   
“ _ I don’t want to talk about it! _ ” I clenched my teeth at my blunder. Without saying another word, I left the café. As the door fell shut behind me, I heard Shiina’s surprised voice wishing me a nice day from behind the counter.   
  
I walked briskly down the street, heading nowhere in particular. Amagi was just impossible, bringing up personal matters without any discretion. And what was he acting so apologetic for? That just made it worse. If he hadn’t been like that, I could’ve written off his earlier actions as the nonsense of a drunk idiot, but now?   
I stopped in front of a store window and caught sight of my reflection. My hair was set as always, but if you looked closely, you could notice some signs of exhaustion around my eyes.  _ Maybe I should head back to my room and have a nap _ , I thought. Having made up my mind, I turned around and walked back the way I just came, as I had instinctively headed in the direction of the hospital rather than the dormitory when I’d stormed out the café.   
  
After shutting the door to my room behind me and finding it empty, I changed into my practice uniform. My day-to-day wear wasn’t that comfortable, and while it may be the kind of outfit that suited HiMERU’s image, it wasn’t exactly my personal fashion style either. I fell down on my bed and covered my eyes with the back of my hand.   
_ I’ve been acting way too harsh lately. _ I’d gotten in the habit of keeping people at a distance, but the excuse that I was doing it because I’m an idol, or out of a desire to protect HiMERU’s reputation, was starting to wear thin. And no excuse in the world is enough to stop Amagi, who simply bulldozes through other people’s defenses and can talk people into anything if you only give him the chance to speak at length. I was often impressed by the elaborate justifications he could produce at the drop of a hat, and the way he easily manages to convince others of his own warped worldview. Maybe that’s the reason why I refuted the things he said on instinct — even if I often notice in hindsight that I never disagreed with him to begin with.

  
I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. Lately, I’d been seized by a strange feeling. A feeling that I was running away from facing people and engaging with them on a personal level. Wasn’t that what I always criticized HiMERU for? I’m no better than him. If I was going to interact with others through a thick layer of lies like this, I may as well shut myself in his hospital room together with him, save myself the trouble.   
I wasn’t even the kind of person to talk like this, to dress like this, to act like this. Using polite language still sometimes made my skin crawl, especially when I had to use it for people who surely didn’t deserve it. But Amagi of all people probably saw right through all that. The way he stared at people with his piercing eyes, as if he was going to strip you naked and reveal everything you’re trying to hide…    
A shiver went through me. It’s not like he could really see it all, right? Even if he often teased me about my secret, and acted like he knew everything, he was probably just guessing based on whatever hints and rumors he’d caught a whiff of. If I were to show him what I’m really like…   
Deep down, I knew he wouldn’t reject me. Isn’t that what he is all about? Accepting and validating those who would never be tolerated by polite society? It’s a comforting thought, but I’m not a gambler, and I don’t want to place my bets on him.   
The sun outside the window was starting to set, so I drew the curtains shut and went to sleep for real.   
  
When I woke up, it was pitch black, save for the light coming off my phone screen. Disoriented as I was, I pressed the “end alarm” button out of habit, unwittingly accepting what was actually an incoming call. As soon as this fact penetrated my hazy brain, I blinked a few times and sat up. My roommates were both fast asleep, and having a call now would wake them up. And anyway, who was the caller?   
“Oi, ya picked up!”   
Amagi’s loud voice blared from my phone. If I’d known it’d be like this I wouldn’t have picked up the call. I quickly got out of bed and locked myself in the bathroom. The tile was cold against my bare feet.   
“Merumeru? Hey, you there?”   
“I’m here. Stop shouting, you’ll wake my roommates.”   
“Oh, so you did go back to your room!”   
I sighed. “What do you need, Amagi? You wouldn’t wake me up at —” I checked the time on my display, “— 3AM for no reason, would you?”   
“Gyahaha, wouldn’t I? No, but jokes aside —” he lowered his voice the way he did earlier today. “— Do you got a second?”   
“We’re talking already, what else could you possibly need.”   
“Come on, you know this ain’t the kinda conversation you wanna have over the phone! Let me in.”   
“Let you —” Confused, I repeated his works back at him, when the extent of the situation sank in for me.   
I left the bathroom in a hurry and drew back the curtains with a quick motion. Looking at me from outside the window balancing on the thin gates right outside was Amagi, holding his phone in hand. He was grinning and gesturing at me to put my own phone back up to my ear.   
When I did, I heard his whispering voice. “Ya wouldn’t want me to cause a ruckus out here, right?”    
To drive his point home, he raised an outstretched hand as if he was going to bang on the window glass.   
“Don’t you dare!” I hissed at him. “I’m not letting you in. Meet me in the courtyard downstairs in five.”   
He gave an OK sign, ended the call and jumped down into the darkness below.   



	7. Nightly Visit

After washing my face and changing into a clean set of clothes, I quietly made my way to the courtyard. More than 10 minutes had passed, but Amagi didn’t seem bothered by that, the way he was leaning against a tree and raising his hand in greeting.   
“Yo! Merumeru~.”   
“— So, what is this about?”   
“Ohh, cutting right to the chase! That’s what I like about ya.”   
_ Seems like he’s recovered from the bashfulness that plagued him earlier today, huh.  _   
He continued. “Y’know, I wasn’t actin’ like myself back there. Guess that pissed you off. Honestly, it pissed me off too. Why do I gotta act like I did somethin’ wrong and grovel for your forgiveness?”   
“— HiMERU never asked you to do that.”   
Amagi was visibly annoyed at this response. Just a moment ago I’d still been too groggy to properly articulate the HiMERU persona, and he must’ve interpreted it as me opening up to him. I backpedaled.   
“I didn’t ask you to apologize to me, or even to explain yourself. If that’s what you’re here to do, get lost, Amagi.”   
“Wow, you sure are in a sour mood after wakin’ up. Who knows, maybe I’m here to hit on ya again.”   
“Get lost!”   
I wasn’t sure myself why I rejected him so harshly. This whole situation made me uneasy, took me out of my comfort zone. I liked to feel in control of what was going on, and with a human liability like Amagi around, this was never guaranteed. I thought my cold words might’ve hurt him, but when I looked at his face, he was giggling like a school girl.   
“Y’know, Merumeru… I like it when you say what you really think, just like ya did there.”   
_ He really didn’t need to say all these things in such a sweet voice. _ _   
_ “So are we done here? I’d like to go back to sleep.” In fact, I was wide awake, since I’d already slept over 9 hours somehow.   
“Far be it from me to deny you your beauty sleep~” Amagi cackled. “But can we be serious for a minute?”

  
I guess he really came here in the middle of the night because he knew it’d be hard for me to come up with an excuse to leave. My mistake for agreeing to meet with him in the heat of the moment, I supposed.

  
“Alright.” I gave in.   
“Well, I guess you’re always serious, huh?” Amagi said, suddenly being strangely evasive again.   
“When it suits me.”   
“Right…” He seemed to be racking his brain for something, but I interrupted his train of thought.   
“What about Shiina?”   
He was caught off guard. “Niki? Why’re you always bringin’ that guy up?”   
“I figured you two had something going on. I’m sure other people are under the same impression.”   
Amagi crossed his arms behind his head. “Niki~, huh. Well.”   
He took a step forward. “Would you believe me if I told ya nothin’ ever happened between us?”   
Usually, I’d reply to any question from him that began with “Would you believe me” with a firm “No”, but the way he looked at me seemed sincere.   
Without waiting for a response, he carried on.   
“I do love Niki, y’know. Not like  _ that _ , of course. And I bet he doesn’t think of me that way either. To him, I’m just a stray he picked up off the streets.”   
“You don’t seem too happy about that.”   
“Sometimes he looks at me with this fucking pity in his eyes, and it pisses me off so much I can barely stand it.”   
“.........”   
“It’s my fault for havin’ been so pathetic back when I first met him, I guess. Now that we’ve gotten off on that foot, he’ll never see me as anythin’ but a bother. He loves himself the most for being a generous person who looks after a good-for-nothin’ like me.” Amagi’s words were spat out into the cold night.   
“Is that how he sees you?” It never occurred to me that taking care of Amagi was something Shiina could be doing for selfish reasons. I figured he was just a pushover.   
“Sure it is! The self-satisfaction he gets from feedin’ me and lettin’ me impose upon him is his greatest pleasure. Makes me sick. I do like the guy, but he just sees me as a no-good relative he has to look after.”   
“You’ve made your point.”

  
I was lost in thought for a moment. So those two never had anything going on between them? Amagi’s reasoning was sound, and in hindsight I couldn’t really imagine Shiina giving in to his joking flirts.   
“So y’see, Merumeru… There’s no need to be jealous over that guy.”   
“I wasn’t jealous!”  _ Sweet lord, I really need to get it together. Not having to construct my sentences in third person was really removing my filter here.  _ I composed myself, but Amagi was already speaking again.   
“Let me be frank. I like you. The person I like isn’t Niki, or that cute kid Kohaku-chan, or even the cool and composed “HiMERU” from my unit. It’s the guy standin’ in front of me, right now.”   
I swallowed hard. A part of me had already suspected that he was going to confess to me tonight, but hearing it said like that did have an impact. Amagi was staring at me, an unwavering gaze that demanded a genuine response.   
He doubled down.   
“It’s not like ya never thought about it, right? I noticed the glances you shoot me sometimes, when we’re performin’... Or even in the dressing rooms.”   
“That’s… You’re wrong.” I tried to talk my way out of it, but he was right.   
He moved closer towards me. I stood my ground.   
“C’mon, there’s no need for lies between us. Ya can’t even look me in the face while ya say that.”   
“It’s because you’re bringing up such unsavory stuff, Amagi.”   
“”Amagi”, huh. Remember when ya called me “Rinne” that one time? Can’t we go back to that, huh?”   
“You kept calling me “Merumeru”, so it’s only fair.”   
“‘Cause you won’t tell me your real name!”   
_ Huh, so he really didn’t know it. Or maybe he wanted to hear it from me directly. _ _   
_ __ “Rinne.”   
“Yeah?” He beamed.   
“I’ll tell you my real name… but not right now. Give me some more time.”   
“Hmph. Well, I guess this is all a lot to take in at once. I’ll bide my time.”   
Surprised to find him so understanding, I let out a sigh of relief.   
“I’m sorry I can’t give you a better answer right now, Rinne. But I really think… this is something idols shouldn’t be doing.”  _ At the very least, I made this stance very clear to Oukawa the other night. _ _   
_ He took a few steps towards me, and even though I took a small step back in response, he still bridged the gap between us.   
“Something idols shouldn’t be doing?”   
“Y—” My words were cut off by Rinne leaning forward and pressing a chaste kiss to my lips.   
It was a gentle kiss, completely unlike what my restless mind had construed in my dreams. He had his eyes closed, and before I could blink, the moment was already over.   
Rinne took a small step back again, and smiled mischievously.   
“Like that?”   
“Huh?” It was all I could say in response. My heart was beating out of my chest, and my face felt hot.   
Maybe to cover up his own embarrassment, Rinne reached out with his hand and ruffled my hair. His face was flushed as well.   
“I’ll show ya soon enough how much fun there is to be found in actin’ “unlike” idols.” He winked at me, a professional wink I’d seen him do plenty of times on stage, but this time it was directed at me.   
“Well, I’ll let ya off the hook for now. Make sure you rest well.” He turned to leave, and something within me wanted to stop him, but when I opened my mouth I became strangely conscious of my lips and couldn’t get the words out.


	8. Sincerity

**  
** The next day I went to the agency under some pretense of picking up fan mail and handing in some documents, and spent the majority of the day responding to the letters in depth. Faking HiMERU’s handwriting came naturally to me at this point, and it all turned out to be a pretty mindless job. The questions people asked me in letters were invariably the same, and the rest of the messages all boiled down to “I’m supporting you from the bottom of my heart! Please always keep singing and dancing!”. They were touching for sure, but I couldn’t help but wonder what the letters the agency staff withheld from me said.    
“You’re nothing but a fake. Resign immediately.”? “Crazy:B should just go to hell, can’t you see that you’re a disgrace to idols”? “It should’ve been you”?   
  
I shook my head to perish the thought and kept writing endless responses thanking my fans for their support.   
  
All day long I hadn’t gotten any calls or messages from any of my unit members, which wasn’t unusual. We weren’t the kind of unit that was constantly in contact anyway, and forcing myself to say something in the group chat would’ve just been awkward at this point. I briefly wondered what Oukawa’s been up to since he skipped out on meeting us at the café the other day, but figured that he had his own complicated circumstances I wasn’t privy to. While lost in thought about these matters, I walked back to my dorm room from dinner, where I stumbled upon a surprise.    
In front of the door, a beautiful flower bouquet of white flowers was gently placed on the ground. Upon picking it up, I noticed a small card with familiar handwriting on it. It said, “Just a lil thanks for the other night”. Rinne had signed it with his idol autograph, which made me chuckle a little bit. It all seemed very silly to me, but I remembered that he was the traditional type — maybe he suddenly felt like he had to resort to more common courtship tactics, or maybe it was his idea of a practical joke. I couldn’t even find it within me to get annoyed at the possibility of one of my roommates finding the bouquet before I got to it.   
  
While walking back downstairs to the kitchen area to borrow some kind of glass or vase to put the flowers in, I slid the card into my coat pocket. If my roommates were to ask about the bouquet, I’d just tell them it was a gift from a fan I ran into. With the flowers in one hand and my phone in the other, I quickly looked up the kind of flowers Rinne had picked out for me. Google told me that they were anemones, the white variety of which commonly stood for “sincerity”. Engrossed in the article about flower language I’d found, I ran into someone who happened to turn the corner right in front of me. I raised my hands to assess the damage, and was surprised to find that the victim of the collision was Oukawa.   
  
“Oi, watch where you’re goin’ you littl- Oh! HiMERU-han!”   
He’d been ready to cuss me out but then our eyes met, and his face underwent a series of changes from angry to surprised to happy, to an expression that I found hard to read, and was then replaced by an upbeat smile again.   
“— HiMERU apologizes for walking through the corridors in a careless manner. Are you hurt, Oukawa?”   
“Oh no, not at all! Yer such a worrywart!”    
He’d been rubbing his forehead out of reflex after it collided with my chest, but quickly retracted his hand and looked away. It was unlike him to avoid meeting my eyes like this, usually he looked at me with the innocent directness and fearlessness of a child. His upbeat tone also felt completely forced.    
There were a number of possible reasons for this, many of which had nothing to do with me, but perhaps on account of feeling overly self-conscious lately, I assumed the worst.   
“Anyway, I gotta get goin’! Sorry t’bounce so soon when we hadn’t seen each other in a couple days...” Oukawa tried to walk around me but I took a step aside to cut his way off.   
“.........”   
“.........”   
“Hey now, what’s the big idea?” Oukawa sighed and took a step back. “Ya got somethin’ to discuss?”   
“— Not really. HiMERU just felt like talking with you for a moment, Oukawa. Is that okay with you?”   
Put on the spot like this, he had little choice but to agree. Of course he hadn’t come up with an excuse as to why he had to leave in such a hurry, and he clearly didn’t want to lie to me in the first place.   
  
We quickly found ourselves back on the sofa we’d been sitting on the last time we talked. I awkwardly placed the bouquet on the low table, while Oukawa seemed to avoid glancing at it. He seemed to have set his mind on not asking about it, and I saw no reason to turn it into a talking point. When you live a dishonest life like mine, you start to think of lies as very precious currency that shouldn’t be squandered.   
I was still thinking of a way to broach the conversation when Oukawa spoke up.   
“HiMERU-han. There’s no one around, so we can talk openly, right?”   
“Of course.”   
Oukawa had his hands folded in his lap. “Remember the other night? We talked about somethin’... Of course, it was the middle of the night an’ we were both tired, so maybe ya forgot…”   
“I remember.” I internally slapped myself for messing up my speech, but Oukawa didn’t seem to notice.   
“Then I’ll just say it.” He suddenly looked me right in the eye. “I think ya haven’t been honest with me.”   
As usual, he was too sharp for his own good. He continued.   
“But I haven’t been entirely honest either, so I guess we’re even.”   
“What do you mean?” I didn’t like where this was going.   
“HiMERU-han, I…”   
I thought he was going to chicken out again, but it suddenly all came bursting out at once.   
“I’ve always admired you! Sometimes I feel like you’re the only one who gets me! I know ya can’t show your true self ta me, but I can see it, I can feel it! Bit by bit, I wanted to become closer to you, and when I couldn’t, it hurt me! It felt like you were refusin’ me, like you were drawin’ a line in the sand and kept me at a distance… I tried t’explain it all away, tellin’ myself that we’re idols, that ya wouldn’t start that kinda relationship with anyone, but then!”   
He suddenly stopped, unwilling to say the next part.  _ What on earth had happened to him that brought this on? _ _   
_ “Nah, nevermind… Just… Tell me why it’s gotta be like this. I know ya were just sayin’ all that stuff the other night to get me off yer back. So tell me the truth this time. I can take it, just reject me outright. You already know what I mean an’ how I feel, don’t you?”   
Seeing him like this was difficult. I wanted to say something that would make this easier on him, but I knew myself that the first love hits the hardest. The only responsible thing I could do was tell him the truth he wanted, at the cost of my secrecy.   
  
“— Oukawa… I am sorry. You’re right, I did lie to you the other day. While it’s true that it’s undesirable for idols to enter romantic relationships, I doubt anyone truly conforms to those rules these days. Behind closed doors, the majority of idols have a more varied private life than you could imagine. No, there’s probably not even a reason to explain this to you, I’m sure you know why people would go against the wishes of their agency; you’ve already experienced it first-hand.”   
I took a deep breath.  _ How much was I going to tell him? _ _   
_ “There’s a different reason as to why I can’t respond to your feelings — No, I can’t even consider them.”   
I forced myself to face Oukawa while I spoke, even if it was painful to watch his expression drop more and more the longer I kept talking.   
“I hope you won’t take this the wrong way, but in my eyes, you’re like a little brother to me.”   
“Our ages ain’t that far apart!” Oukawa protested.   
“But they are. In truth, I am only slightly younger than Ri— Amagi.”   
“........”   
He seemed to take a moment to process this information, and then forced a smile on his face.   
“Reckon it can’t be helped then, huh…”   
“I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be involved with someone my age.”   
“Sure… No yeah, you’re right… It’s just— I can’t let go that easily.”   
I felt truly apologetic. Maybe if I hadn’t lied about my age, he wouldn’t have ever considered me a romantic interest to begin with. But what’s done is done.   
“I am sorry.” I lowered my head to him, but he reacted by shuffling to his feet awkwardly.   
“No, no, it’s me who’s sorry! Pushin’ somethin’ on you that’s just troublin’ to ya… I was a real dimwit.”   
“Oukawa— “   
“I’m sorry, just — Let me deal with this by myself, will ya? Let me have this much of my dignity… Pretend this never happened.” He turned away to hide his face, and quickly left.   
I didn’t try to go after him.


End file.
